What went wrong with the Ninja Turtles Movie.  This is another one of those movies that had everyone screaming when it came out.  Everyone seemed to have beef with the movie.  Problem was, most of the people screaming couldn’t really explain why they hated the movie so much.  You kept hearing “Michael Bay ruined my childhood!!!!”  but when asked how, the answers didn’t make sense.  

“The Turtles were too silly!”

The Turtles were always silly.  Their main enemy was a transdimensional brain that lived in a robots stomach.  That’s pretty silly in my book.

“They change the origin story!”

Of course.  They wanted to update the story for a newer generation.  It’s done all the time.  So much there’s a word for it.  Retcon.  I don’t mind an occasional retcon.  Especially when translating something into a movie because movie audiences are, many times, different than whatever the original media has.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not.  As long as there is a respect for the source material (We’ll get to that later).

“The Turtles were ugly!”

Ok, I can’t dispute that they were pretty bad looking.  But, there are another way to look at that.  The cartoon version that everyone grew to love didn’t really represent turtles well.  I’ve never seen a turtle with such big cheeks.  The movie tried to give them a more natural turtle look.  I can respect that…   

Ok, the lips were a pretty big fail.

“So if all that is ok, what did go wrong?”

Two words.  Megan Fox.  Well, not her specifically (even though her acting didn’t help the situation) but her character.  Nearly everything revolving around her seemed not to work.  And most of the movie revolved around her.  The most obvious issue was that the title characters felt like supporting cast to her April O’Neil.  This seems to be a pattern for Michael Bay licensed movies.  The transformers felt like background to Sam Witwicky’s story.

This wouldn’t be so bad if the story made sense, but therein lies the problem.  BEWARE OF SPOILERS.  First thing we learn about her is that she feels disrespected by the News community and feels she should have more than she does.  That would make sense if she was mailroom or some lowly PA.  Instead she was a working field reporter with her own personal assigned cameraman for a major network.  In NEW YORK CITY!!  Reporters across the world would sacrifice family members for a job like that.

We later learn that she saved the Turtles from a burning lab and the first thing she does with them is dump them in the sewers.  Even later still she murders the shredder and acts like it was just another Tuesday for her.

Speaking of which, that brings us to the second major problem.  The villians.  The Shredder was some random anonymous Japanese guy who, if reports are believed, was thrown in as a response to outrage over William Fichtner possibly being the Shredder instead.  The Shredder’s robot suit was ugly and cumbersome and looked physically impossible to move in.  He was given practically no development and no reason to even be a part of the plan.  And the plan was dumb.  

Here’s the plan in a nutshell; “I’m  going to make a mutagen that that can cure all disease in the world.  Then I’ll own New York!  But, first let me release a horrible new disease from the top of my own building that will kill thousands of people before I cure it with my mutagen.  What’s that? I don’t have the mutagen yet?  I need to capture these strange giant turtles to make it work?  That’s ok.  Release the poison anyway.  I’m sure it’ll work itself out.

The thing is,  If he got the mutagen and it did what he thought it did, all he would have had to do was market it and he would have been the richest man on the planet.  He could have bought his own country.  And everyone would have loved him for it.  Instead he was knocked out by a wounded Will Arnett so April can go assassinate the Shredder (yes, that still bothers me).

Also, is it just me or did Will’s character seem like some random sexual predator who wandered on the set and just started perving over Megan and they decided to leave it in?  

There’s plenty more I can point out (Learning Ninjitsu from a book, Raphael not noticing when his fall from a skyscrapper can to a sudden stop, Adrenalin replacing their blood with no negative effects, etc…) but I’ll leave it there for now.  Those were the main reason’s why you were angry at the movie.  Even if you didn’t know it.  Your welcome.